Legomances, Mary Sues, and Fellowships, Oh My!
by Lady Rumbottom
Summary: Ah, yes. A Mary Sue parody... I am going so mainstream. Please RR! BTW, title thought of on a whim. Suggestions accepted. NO FLAMES!
1. Vortexes of Doom

**A/N- Just when you thought it was safe to release your minds onto fanfiction.net… I RETURN!! BOOAHAHAHAHAHA! They can tak awah meh parody, but they cannae tak meh FRRRRREEDOM!!! That was to be said in a Scottish accent, by the way. All right, so dawns my Mary Sue parody… yes, I am turning mainstream. Oh joy. **

Alright you maggots. Listen up, cuz I'm only saying this once… I DO NOT OWN LORD OF THE RINGS! I AM NOT J.R.R. TOLKIEN!!! I DO NOT CLAIM TO OWN ANYTHING, THEREFORE YOU CANNOT SUE ME!! The God's Pajama's quote is from _Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging_, great series, check it out sometime. 

Right then. Let the Mary Sueness commence. 

Chapter One- The Unsuspecting Arrival 

It was a fairly normal fall afternoon. My parents were still at work, sister at soccer practice, and I had a date. 

With the DVD remote that is. 

The doorbell rang. I bounded up to get it, my golden retriever, Faramir, followed behind me, hoping for food that might have somehow miraculously hidden itself in my pockets. "AUUUUUDREY!!!!" I heard a familiar voice say, banging on the door. I opened it, and my friend Melissa fell onto the ground, Faramir attacking her face. 

"AHHH!! AUDREY! CALL OFF YOUR HOUND OF SATAN!!!" she screamed. 

"FARAMIR! COME HERE BOY!!!" I called. He looked up, his head tilted to the side. I picked up his bone. "Go get the bone! Go on boy!" I encouraged, throwing the bone across the house. He raced after it, and I had a fleeting image of the REAL Faramir chasing a bone, and burst into hysterics. 

Melissa got up and glared at me. "So where's the Ringsy goodness?" 

I held up the DVD, fresh and shimmering and BRAND NEW!!! 

"So what happened to the old one again?" Melissa said as we walked to the living room. 

"Erm… my little brother used it for target practice," I grimaced. She sniggered, and I kicked her. 

"OOOOOH! VIOLENCE!" Melissa cackled, picking up a random throw pillow and smacking it with me. 

"YOU FREAK!! THAT'S THE LEGOLAS THROW PILLOW!!!" I screamed. Melissa looked down on it. 

"Oops." 

"YOU DARED TO HARM THE HOLY CUSHION THAT IS ALSO LEGOLAS?! YOU SHALL BURN LIKE-" 

"The heathen kings of old. Can we PLEASE watch the movie?" Melissa sighed, throwing down the pillow. I snatched it up. 

"Mine… my own…. Legolas is my…my precious," I hissed, eyes bulging out like a demented hobbit (*coughcough* GOLLUM *coughcough*). Melissa sighed and flopped down on one of the couches. 

I pranced over to the DVD player, and inserted the "Fellowship of the Ring" disk. Grasping the remote in my hand, I jumped onto the other couch, gulping down caffeinated beverages. Pushing the fast forward button, the disk whirred like mad. 

"AUDREY! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ELIJAH WOOD'S EXTREME HOTTNESS ARE YOU DOING?!" Melissa shrieked. 

"Fast forwarding. And Elijah is not the hottest of them all. ORRRRRRRRRRRLANDO is!" I stuck out my tongue, acting like a total teenage fangirl. Bickering ensued between the Lego-lass and the Frodo Fancier for the next minutes. I paused it as soon as Rivendell came into view. 

"Oh, Gods…" I heard Melissa mutter. "You are such a Legomancer, you know that, right?" I sniggered in reply. 

"OMIGOD!!! OMIGOD!!!" I started shrieking as soon as the Elf of Supreme Hotness entered the screen. Melissa groaned, and buried her face in a nearby pillow (after ensuring it was not the Holy Cushion of Legolas). I hit the wondrous key that is known as the "pause" button. It was the infamous… 

Butt shot. (If you've ever watched FotR through an O/PEF's eyes, you know EXACTLY what this is.) 

I squealed like only an Obsessive/ Pervy Elf Fancier can. Melissa's head was still covered in the pillow, but I could faintly hear her mutterings of "Dear God, please save me from this Obsessive Elf Fancier." 

"PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER!!!" I screamed. 

"CAN WE JUST WATCH THE MOVIE?!?!" she retaliated. But her words were lost upon my ears. Mmm….Elfy goodness. "UNPAUSE IT, OBSESSIVE ELF FANCIER!!!" 

"Well fine," I said, unpausing it to the next best thing… 

SLO-MO!! 

"Remind me again why I came over here?" Melissa groaned. 

"Because you love Frodo and are here to support him while his Creepy Looks remain at minimum," I said, gaping at the Slo-Mo elfy goodness. 

"That's it. I'm going to get some toast before I have to come over there and kill you for the remote," she said, getting up to the kitchen. 

"BRING IT!! I'LL GO ALL ELVISH SMACK DOWN ON JOO!" I screamed. 

I realized then that we were being really, really loud and the neighbors would have my head to put on their Walls of Annoying Neighbors. 

Then I realized I didn't care. 

While the Hobbit Fancier was making her toast, I had paused the screen. "Princess Audrey Greenleaf has a ring to it…" I snickered, crawling up to the screen. The Prince of All Things Hot and Blonde was frozen in the 1st look he gives to Rivendell. In the movie, that is. I heard the toaster spring up. I heard Melissa's footsteps reenter. "What the frick are you doing?" 

"MY ELF!" I growled. She sighed. So as revenge, I decided to go all out fangirl on her. 

"_Kalina en' i'ilfirin auta amin e'a ened kemen_," I whispered. 

I felt a breeze whirl around the living room, which was odd, because all the windows were closed. "AUDREY!!!!!!! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!" Melissa screamed. 

I opened my eyes to see I was being sucked into a black hole. I was being taken into the TV. "AUDREYYYYYYYYYY!!!" 

  


*** 

It was like being whirled around on one of those cheap carnival rides. Lights flashed around me, colors unknown to man. Whispered voices flipped around me, but I couldn't hear anything they were saying. I was faintly aware of the coldness of this odd place, but my thoughts were interrupted when I hit the ground. 

"What the heck is going on?!" I voiced out loud. The scenery was that of fall, leaves fiery colors, and I could faintly detect water running somewhere nearby. "WHERE IN THE NAME OF GOD'S PAJAMAS AM I?!" I screamed. 

I half expected little munchkins to pop up and start singing "FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD!" That's how bizarre this whole experience was. I heard hooves approaching, and looked up to see an escort (of sorts). 

"Shiver me timbers and call me Larry…" I whispered. 

"Milady…are you lost…?" said a vaguely familiar looking elf. "Erm… where am I?" I said. The VFLE smiled and said, "On the borders of Rivendell." 

My first response was to laugh. So I did. A maniacal, high-pitched laugh that made the VFLE wrinkle his brow. "Yeah right. And I suppose you're Legolas Greenleaf, right?" 

"Well, actually, milady, yes." 

With that, I hit the ground. 

  


*** 

**A/N- Woohoo! The Mary Sueness has NOT commenced yet! But I find it vaguely humorous. But first let me state that AUDREY MARCUS IS NOT ME!!! I haven't described her yet, but she's not. Just trust me on this one. **

Yes, I know, I miss POTC:COTF too. And it will be up on another site, presumably. But until then, Mary Sue parodies will have to do! Even if they are crap! 

REVIEW! 

And I'll be the first to tell you I WILL NOT ACCEPT FLAMES! I know this is stupid. I know it shouldn't be here. I KNOW NOT ALL MARY SUES ARE BAD!! I know Legolas isn't real!!! So please, if you have any flames, keep them to yourself. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS ACCEPTED! 

With those thoughts in mind, review! 


	2. Captain Forehead's Entrance

**A/N- Aww…thanks for the reviews, you guys! I feel…*looks around* cold. But that's not the point. I'M SO HAPPY!!! IT'S ALMOST THE 3 DAY WEEKEND! And St. Paddy's day, but it'll be long gone by the time I post this… OOCness is approaching. Fast and relentless. This is where the parody shall begin to grow. Like a weed. In the grass of poison. Whatever. **

  


Disclaimer- Hey…guess what? I still don't own. Gah. 

  


Chapter Two- Terrifying Discoveries

  


I woke up, dazed, in a fancy room, in a fancy bed. "Where the frick am I?!" I said to no one in particular. Just as I suspected, no one answered. I sighed, and swung out of my bed. 

Then I remembered: I had "magically" been transported into Middle Earth. 

"Well, this is a bit of a pickle, isn't it?" I muttered to myself. I heard the door open, and looked up. 

"Ah, my lady, you have awakened," Legolas said. 

My initial reaction was to stare googly-eyed (like "O.O"), and so I did. He laughed. "I did not think that other Elvish princesses were so..." 

"Waitaminute, what do you mean… Elvish princess?" I said, eyeing him warily. 

Just then, Elrond entered. God, had my makeshift bedroom been turned into a museum? 

"Welcome to Rivendell," he said, smiling. 

I knew then something was seriously wrong. First of all, I WAS NOT AN ELVISH PRINCESS (unfortunately). Secondly, in both the books and movie, Elrond smiles once in a millennia. And thirdly…erm…well, let's just look at the situation… 

I WAS IN MIDDLE EARTH, WHICH WAS A FICTIONAL PLACE!!! 

So I came to the conclusion I was dreaming. 

I ran up to the dresser and banged my head against it. 

"My lady Vanimavalië!! Why do you harm yourself!?" Legolas cried. Cross-eyed with pain (and partially confusion), I looked at them. "My name is not Vanimavalië. My name is Audrey, and I live in the United States in the year 2004," I clearly stated. Elrond and Legolas stared at each other, muttering softly in Elvish. 

"Vanimavalië, you are indubitably amnesiac. Please, rest, and we will speak again with you when you are feeling better," Elrond said, leaving. Legolas remained in the doorway. "What is going on here?!" I yelled, my voice echoing in the immense room. 

Legolas smiled again. At first it was nice and swoon-worthy, but now it was starting to freak me out. "My lady, please rest… you are weary and-" 

"I DON'T CARE IF I'M WEARY! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!!" I screamed. Legolas winced. 

"Please sit down. Against my better wishes, I shall tell you all I know," he said. I sat down quicker than Captain Jack Sparrow bolting for rum. 

What he told me would shock me…and almost convince me I was amnesiac. 

****

**A/N- Gah! Sorry, people, about the short chapters. Erm…I needed to post something before I go away, and A/Ns as chapters aren't permitted (grr.). So the shortness of this will have to do. **

I'm going away to North Carolina for spring break…. Starting Friday, April 9th, and will be gone until the 18th. I won't be able to post because there is INCREDIOUSLY SLOW internet access, so I don't even bother. But I WILL be writing a lot on paper, so hopefully, new chappies will ensue upon my return. But review! I want something other than junk mail when I return! 

On a brighter note…. 

I AM NOT DISCONTINUING THIS FIC! Just because it's a bit of a challenge (and believe me, it is), I will continue! And survive! (Randomness r0x0rs). 

shakespearette- Woot! My first reviewer is an old reviewer! Huzzah! More shall come. All shall not fade. I am too random… THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING! 

Poor Richard- Thank you for the props, but even more for the suggestions. Contrary to popular belief, I do not mind it when people give me advice. I just mind it when they're all "your story sux0rs and blahdiddyblahblahblah" and accuse me of things I did not do, or did not know about, etc.. The Big Red Button was a great idea, but I have the idea that I shall make Audrey a Mary Sue against her will. A bit different, and it was inspired by a fic written by the Noble Platypus (I will admit right out I did not think of the Resistant Mary Sue idea.). Sorry about your failed parody, but hey, with every failure comes a success, right (Argh, clichés suck.) 

Cosmos Senshi- Don't die! Lolol. Thanks, and keep in mind this is A PARODY! About all I can write…well, I wouldn't say that. Hmm. Thanks for your review! 

Calime- I understand the Nervous Laughter thing. So annoying, yet it does help the situation, no? Anyways, the honest answer to the Elvish phrase? I have no idea. I translated it on a site, and promptly forgot the meaning. Take me to Middle Earth…something or other. Gah, better put translations in from now on, hmm? VFLE= Vaguely Familiar Looking Elf. You shall see I am a very lazy typer and will shorten things to any extent of my ability. Pop-up ads suck. Thank god Pop-Up blockers were invented, or I might have to…not go on the computer! DUN DUN DUNNN! 

Harry Potter's Crazed Stalker- Thanks! Great series, isn't it? Full of British humor…. I wish I was British. 

Calime- (again) I have your respect? Aww…thank you! *beams* Here's more written! Not too much, granted, but enough. Hopefully. Don't you love messing up with surveys?! For one extra form, I was filling one in with a friend, and my God it was great! My mom is Julia Roberts. My dad was Johnny Depp (but I might have to change that, as I'm becoming a Depp fan, slowly but surely. GAH!) Thanks again! 

sparrow's angel- WOOTNESS! Your fic is both god and good. But yes, it was a typo, lol. Mediaminer.org, huh? I'll have to check it out soon…*grumbles* I hate the FF.net Nazis. George Bush Followers! Gasp! Watch your language! (Yes, I am a Democrat. And proud of it.). I haven't read Straight Lego fic! Must read! I'm not much of an Elvish speaker…I cheat and look at translator sites. Shame, shame. You can have a small part, but shhh…FF.net Nazis might be on my tail again. Everyone's asking the Elvish thing, and I will admit it- I forgot. Gaah. Something "take me to middle earth?" I'll post it in next chapter. 

Karmabelle- Yay, YOU'RE back! I lurve my PotC-CotF reviewers who have followed me. Brings a tear to my eye. Gracias for the props! 

Divinething- I actually almost cried when they deleted it. God…I miss it here. I HAVE reposted it on fosff.net under Lady Rumbottom, but it's not the same! *bursts into tears* No reviews, and two chapters. I am one very spoiled authorette. Audrey is so, so cool. Gotta lurve her and her Lego-worshipping. 

Insane Stalkers- Aspirin and caffeine. Teehee, I'm not stealing Leggy from you! I have Valandil…*eyes Meleth eyeing him, and sends rabid squirrels after her* BOOOAHAHAHAHAHA! Elvish smackdown! 

Laraeliae Black- Wanna know the truth? I really don't either. I'm just typing in my little world… CotF was deleted because of the script format. ARRRRRRRRGH. It's reposted on fosff.net now, but it's not the same! Merci for reviewing! 

LegolasLover/LOTRchick- Yes! Ahahahah, love your new s/n! LEGGY! NEVER FEAR! Here, have a lollypop. *hands him a lollypop, and he eyes it fearfully* Booahahahaha. I hate Mary Sues too, and their perfection…grr. I don't think I got your email…what was your address? I can check, but I don't think I did. I'll be happy to beta! I don't usually read things like that, but I'm honored that you asked! Character deaths are fun! *pitchfork is thrown in general direction of Authorette's head* Yeep! And so is making people OOC *another pitchfork* YEEP! I LOVE TORTURING CHARACTERS! Is that a crime?! ("Only in 47 separate states.") 

Thank you for your reviews, and KEEP EM COMING! Now I really must be going. There's a mosquito in here somewhere, and it has bit me continuously. Itch. Itch. 


	3. The Beginning of the End

**A/N- A long time…a long time since I have last posted. I have lots of excuses, which I will post in my second A/N (although it will probably turn out to be A/W…Authorette's Whine…taken from a flame given to me in the last CotF days tear). This will probably be a short chapter…and I need a bit of reviewer feedback on where the heck this is going. **

And I am so, so happy. An old favorite is coming back in this chapter…BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! 

And Leggy's going to be extremely OOC. TEEEHEEE, I mean…oh, no, the horror. 

Without further ado, CHAPTER THREE! 

Chapter Three- …Introduction to the Entity of all Evil… 

"You, my lady, are the daughter of an Elvish king and a daughter of queens… and you are the lone heir to the dominion of Treeland. From what Lord Elrond told me, you were banished from your kingdom when your mother died and your father remarried an Elvish maiden named Meldëa. She hated you with a passion and demanded you be taken prisoner in your own kingdom. You were locked in your cell and beaten daily by your stepbrother, Mark. Mark was handsome and he demanded a marriage be arranged between the two of you. Because of this, you ran away. But you were rendered unconscious when a band of Orcs attacked you. And then you ran into me when you were running, and I brought you here," Legolas finished with a flourish. 

I blinked, opened my eyes really wide, and blinked again. 

That was wrong on so many levels…first of all, there aren't that many Elvish kings. There is no place called "Treeland", and Mark is not an Elvish or human name. I had one question to summarize this… 

"What. The. Frick. Was. That," I said slowly. 

"Elrond might have told me the abridged version," Legolas said quickly. "I should go. You must be tired from your journey." 

Without another word, Legolas Fricking Greenleaf left my room, leaving me to my mystification. I stood up and paced around, hoping to find a paper titled "Vanimavalië's Life" or something. Because this was too much to swallow. 

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" I screamed, flopping onto my bed. 

_POOF!_

There was a cloud of light blue smoke, and standing in the middle of the room was…a person. 

"AAAAH!" I screamed, falling off my bed. 

"You want to know what's going on here? You've been transported into Middle Earth, and you are now more commonly known as what is lovingly referred to in Fanfiction as: A Mary Sue," the mysterious newcomer said, floating in midair and examining her nails. 

"Who are you?" I whispered. 

The floating entity glared at me. 

"You don't know? Well, I suppose you wouldn't…I should introduce myself. My name is the Authorette," she said primly. 

"The what now?" I said dumbly. 

"Good God, girl…THE AUTHORETTE!" 

I blinked. 

"Who are you?" I repeated. 

The "Authorette" sighed. "I am a writer. I used to be entertained by simple Pirates of the Caribbean movie scripts, but since that was revoked, I have turned my sights to something of a different kind… Mary Sueadies. And you, my dear girl, are my first victim…" she cackled. 

I blinked. She's crazy. Crazy…. 

"So…why me?" I asked, trying to subtly find a way out of this room. 

"Well, I was watching things from my haven in the sky…I've been promoted, you see, now instead of an old smelly computer, I get a shiny one IN THE SKY…and I was getting bored and pissed at the Fanfiction Nazis. I decided to write a Mary Sue Parody, and you seemed to be the perfect subject: a teenager, a fangirl, and a Legomancer. By reading Mary Sues, and Sueadies alike, I studied to prepare for this task. When I was ready, you found yourself here. And, by God girl, you're in for one frick of an adventure," the Authorette cackled. 

"You do a lot of cackling, don't you?" I commented, finding a small blunt object under my bed. 

"Yeah. It fits the job description," she shrugged. "Anyway, I came to tell you about your job, being my first Mary Sue and all. I think you need some guidance," she yawned. 

"I don't need guidance, because I'm not going to be a Mary Sue," I snapped. 

"Audrey… Audrey…my dear Audrey…" she smiled. It creeped me out in the least. "You have no choice, you see. There is only one way out of here…and first you must fall in love and there must be a minimum of one classy love song/ show tune. Before you are even allowed to go, you must sing, dance, be declared beautiful at least 20 times, fight a band of orcs on your own, and find out the reason you have had your heart closed off to the world." 

"Oh my dear God…" I murmured. I eyed the dresser again, and began to run. 

Before I even hit it, I was pulled back by an invisible fishing line it seemed. 

"And you can't kill yourself. It's against the rules." 

"Ok, mighty authorette, would you mind telling me one thing?" 

"Hmm?" 

"My Mary Sue's history…" 

She smirked. "With pleasure." 

Out of thin air, two very cushy chairs appeared. The authorette stretched across hers, and I said gingerly on mine. 

"Your name is Vanimavalië Lúinwë. You had an Elvish king for a father, and your mother was a queen of men (but not of Gondor or Rohan…some little dinky country in the middle of nowhere). You had one twin sister, Gwirith, but she died when her boyfriend met her lover, and there were some lovely musical tunes involved. Her boyfriend tried to kill her lover, but ended up killing Gwirith instead. You were distraught, and locked yourself in your tower for months. The only person who you would see was your secret love, Velicero, your sister's boyfriend's cousin's horse's previous owner's best friend. Erm…he was really hot…and you loved him but he died a tragic death. He was a playwright and he fell off of a tower after you broke up with him. You were distraught. Then your mother died. You were distraught. Then your father remarried some total biatch, and you were distraught because she starved you and forced assassins to beat you and all that good stuff. She killed your horse. You were…sad. She locked you in the dungeons, and that's where you met your stepbrother, Mark. He loved you, and demanded a marriage proposal, but you hated him, because despite his handsomeness, he was really dull-witted and egocentric," she finished with a flourish. 

"Why was his name Mark?" I asked, arching an eyebrow. 

"Oh…I wanted a nice, normal name." 

"It doesn't make sense." 

"DON'T QUESTION ME!" 

"But…" 

"YOUR ONLY FRIEND WAS MURDERED IN FRONT OF YOU!" 

"But…" 

"YOUR ONLY FRIEND WAS A HORSE NAMED FRED!" 

"GOD-" 

"MARK PUBLICALLY HUMILATED YOU!" 

"STOP-" 

"AND HE TRIED TO-" she paused for effect "-ah, screw it. I think you've suffered enough." 

I sighed in relief. 

"He killed your baby. A result of a torrid affair between your sister's boyfriend Airerûthion and yourself." 

I glared at her. "I hate you." 

She smirked. "This is only the beginning. The beginning of the end…" 

I fell onto my bed. 

"Oh and Audrey?" 

"What? Haven't you ruined my life already?" 

"You haven't looked into the mirror yet. I think you might want to," she smirked. "Have a nice day." 

POOF! She was gone. 

Slowly, I got out of bed and walked slowly over to the mirror. I halted in front of it. 

My hair, which used to be a dirty blonde, was now a white blonde so light it hurt to look at. My eyes, which used to be just plain brown, were now a cerulean so clear it reminded me of the ocean. I had grown several inches taller, and I had CLEAVAGE! AAAAAH! 

I screamed. What had happened to me? 

**A/N- OMG WEEEEEEEEEE! I love being the evil writer. Bwahahahahhahaaa. **

EXCUSE TIME! Here we go… 

#1- I have been really busy with school lately. Freaking finals, freaking math. I'm hyper spazzing because the teachers can't CUT US A FREAKING BREAK! 

#2- I've started a "Two Girls Been Transported into Middle Earth"ady. It's posted under "KanikaValawen: Rabid Fangirls" or "LotR: The Fellowship of the Fangirl.". I AM SO PROUD OF IT! And Leggy has a hot twin. WOOOO HOOO! 

#3- Writer's Block. Gah. > 

Yeah, so I've been uber busy lately. Check out FotFG if you get a chance. WE NEED REVIEWS! 

Harry Potter's Crazed Stalker- HUZZAH! Elrond and Leggy…the two most nicknamed characters in my fics. Caffeine/sugar highs are dangerous things. Oy. TAKE WHAT YOU CAN! 

Shakespearette- Yeah…Audrey was kinda delirious. I take that as a compliment. Lol…I'm pretty random. 

Cosmos Senshi- WEEE! I dunno. I have a love for names no one can say. My nickname is "Valaweamescorasuji". Yeah. Elrond and the sour milk face…cackles Gimli's coming. He might be the lust object…AHAHAHAHHAHAHA! 

LegolasLover/LOTRchick (lilshini02yahoo.com)- LONDON! OMG! JEALOUS! Grr…poor Legolas. sends him flowers and bears that say "Get Well Soon" UPDATE! UPDATE! Lol…I'm really hyper right now. Leggy has a twin… BWAHAHAHHAHAA! And he's mine! My own! cackles Poor Leggy… 

So anyway, I need your advice: should this be before, after, or during the Quest for the Ring? I'm leaning towards after… 

REVIEW! 


	4. Showtune Numero Uno

**A/N- Has anyone else noticed the little asterisks aren't showing up? Yeah…it's really annoying me, and undoubtedly, you. So RIP cute stars, I've got to change to "-"s now. Grr. (how's this for random?!) Yeah…I'm feeling kinda under the weather…the inevitable cold has struck, and right before finals too. Luck is not on my side, but fanfiction is! Wootness! **

Random Disclaimer (since you might have forgotten.)- I own. Yeah, right. -rolls eyes- I don't really get the point of disclaimers…I mean, I think we KNOW we don't own whatever character/ story we're fanfictionizing, right? Maybe some people don't. Maybe some authors get pissed. Whatever. I don't own. (BTW, I don't own the land of Treeland. This is from a Mary Sue fic I read but promptly forgot the name of. To the Author of that fic- I'M SORRY!)

ON TO CHAPTER FOUR! 

_ Chapter Four- The Mary Sueness Commences _

The first scream was a short little "OH MY GOD! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!". But the next scream…was what could be described as bloody murder. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" 

This wasn't my hair…these weren't my eyes…my ears, height, God, everything had been changed. I was terrified. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" 

The door burst open. 

"Vanimavalië, I heard a scream, are you all right?!" the last person (well, maybe second to last…) I wanted to see inquired urgently. I turned around quickly, hysterical. 

"No, I am not "all right". I want to know…" I broke off. 

It was a day…one day, maybe more, since I had last seen my home…and no matter how annoyed I got at my little brother, angry I got with my parents, I missed it beyond belief. 

"I want to know how to get out of here," I said quietly, irately. 

"How could you miss your home, when all your life…" 

"THAT'S NOT MY LIFE! MY LIFE IS AT HOME, IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, IN 2004!" I exploded. 

"We all feel a bit outcast at times, and perhaps your amnesia is taking a toll on your health, but this preposterous tale of "America" is too implausible to believe, Vanimavalië. Is there anything you want to talk about?" Legolas said kindly. 

I involuntarily gagged. Too…OOC… 

This was too much for even the most rabid fangirl. 

"There isn't anything I want to talk about, you Pointy-Eared Pansy…I want to go HOME!"…Is what I tried to say. But instead… 

"I miss my castle in Treeland, and as much as it pains me to remember it, I wish I could return. Perhaps I was abused much as a child, but suddenly I realize how much I miss my sister…I miss her so much, Legolas, you can't begin to imagine. Everyone I have once loved is now lost- Gwirith, Velicero, Mother, Fred…" 

A tear that was not mine snaked down my cheek. 

It was like an out of body experience… I didn't say those words; it was like watching someone else take control of my body. I couldn't do anything except watch, appalled, and curse the evil Authorette. 

Legolas took (whom he thought was) Vanimavalië's face in his hands. Even I, as the Rabid Legolas Fangirl found this disgusting. 

"Do you truly wish to return to Treeland, Vanimavalië?" he whispered. 

"No…they would kill me there, wouldn't they?" 

"Not if they didn't know you were their princess…" Legolas said slyly. 

"Whatever do you mean, Prince Legolas?" Vanimavalië said, batting her still tear-stained eyelashes. I still refuse to acknowledge that this…this… Mary Sue had taken over my body. Or hers. I am so confused. 

A smirk crossed Legolas' face, and he leaned in closer to me. "If you disguised yourself, we could sneak into Treeland and you could visit your country again. I will be willing to go with you, but you will need a disguise…" he whispered. 

Vanimavalië gave a watery smile, while I watched from behind my mind's control system, crying, "NO! NOT GOOD!". "That would be lovely, Legolas. Thank you so much," she sniffled. 

"We will leave in two days, on Thursday. I look forward to seeing your country in comparison to mine," he smiled. 

I ran around inside my mind, desperately seeking a trashcan. 

And as suddenly as Vanimavalië had come, her presence left my mind. 

Legolas shifted on the bed he sat on next to me. 

"It's a bit funny…" he began to say. 

And suddenly, out of nowhere, background music cued up. 

"It's a bit funnyyyy!!! THIS FEELING INSIDE!" he began to sing, standing up and spreading his arms like a bird in flight. I could only sit horrified on my bed. The music changed… 

"_My gift is my song   
  
And this one's for you   
  
And you can tell everybody   
  
That this is your song   
  
It maybe quite simple   
  
But now that it's done   
  
Hope you don't mind   
  
I hope you don't mind   
  
That I put down in words   
  
How wonderful life is now you're in the world…"_ he sang quietly, gaining strength as he went on. 

Legolas walked over to me, and kissed my hand. "I'm so glad I met you." 

He left my room, leaving me bewildered and disgusted on my bed. 

"What happened to Legolas?" I asked myself quietly. "What happened to ME?!" 

All I knew was that in two days, I would be leaving to my "home". And God knows what was going to happen there… 

**A/N- WEEEEEBEEE! I have a plot now. I AM SO HAPPY! And the Mary Sue has come out to play…but I don't think she's Sueish enough. Any suggestions? **

iorhaelnin- God do I know. Oh, God do I know. WE NEED TO GET OUR FLEDGLING PARODY UP AND AT 'EM! But it's kind of hard right now…at least summer's approaching, right? UPDATE MOONLIGHT BECOMES YE! That is TOO GOOD! Along with the Straight Lego fic. I love 'em both. 

LarndeSolen- Argh, yes. I miss it so much…I never even got to Tortuga. -massive tears- I reposted it, but it's not the same! Ah, well. I kinda like writing stories now. I wasn't too concerned about the timeframe (I know, bad, but are Mary Sue authors ever concerned? No. So there's my excuse.) I'm not really trying to be accurate here (Heehee, kinda obvious, huh?). I think I will do the happy huzzah party…do you mind if I use that idea? I'll give you full credit. THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE! 

Cosmos Senshi- Thank you! I love it too…is it wrong that I'm obsessed with making my Main Characters suffer? Ah, well. She'll have a happy ending…-wink-. THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING FOTF! NEXT CHAPTER IS IN THE TYPING WORKS! XD 

LegolasLover/LOTRchick (lilshini02yahoo.com)- Your reviews crack me up. You do know that, right? They make my day, and I thank you for that. BIG HUGE VEGAS WEDDING TO HOT ELVISH TWINS! WOOTNESS! Vegas or Caribbean…or Mount Doom, I'm having trouble deciding…-wink- I've always wanted to write a wedding on Mount Doom…OOOOH! IDEA! –cackles- 

Vring- Yeah, I do love writing her in. I'll try to stop overusing "frick", but it's a habit –hangs head in shame-. I tried to limit usage in this chapter. BUT THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT! Thank you for the props and advice! 

Will'sLittlePirate/POTCchick- (again) HAHAHAAA! I didn't send her on the Fellowship…as good of an idea as it was. You see, it's kind of overdone to do that…and plus I've already got a "TWO GIRLS ARE IN MIDDLE EARTH OMG WHAT NOW" type fic I'm writing with a friend (LotR: The Fellowship of the Fangirl). That's where Valandil (LEGGY'S TWIN! –cackles-) comes into the picture. BTW, you show that elf. WEDDING GIFTS! –throws massive piles of Jack's hats and boots, random LotR and PotC paraphernalia, and a t-shirt for Leggy that reads "Eunuch"- AREN'T THEY GENIUS!? Yeah, I'm a little hyper today…but when am I not? 

Divinething- SHOW TUNES! I got your review…and I know why they deleted it. I'll update soon…or later…I'm not really sure. I understand the finals and crap…that's what delayed this post and will probably delay future posts (grr…results.). I love show tunes. I think that's just a tad obvious…MOULIN ROUGE R0X0RS! 

Insane Stalkers- OHH YEAH! I just thought of Sarah…lolol. The dance was freaking great. Even if I got sick from it and the food was disgusting. GLORFINDEL!!!!! AIEEEEEE! Fangirls of the greatest underestimated elf evah unite! BOOYAY! STMAYC….um…Heehee? –runs away- 

danuchao13- WEEEEEEEE STEFOLA! I guess you liked it…? EXCESSIVE USE OF AHAHAHAs!!! Lolol. Hyperness is the spice of life. Wootness. Writer's block needs to die. KEEP ON TRUCKING! Is that what I'm known for saying now…? I'm not complaining. –grin- 

REVIEW! They make me happy and for some unexplainable reason, give me story ideas. 


	5. Vanimavalië Throws a Series of Hissy Fit...

**A/N- The greatest thing…you'll ever learn…is just to love…and be loved…in return. EEEEEEEEEEEEE! I saw that movie again today. I HAVE IDEAS! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh god. I can't wait for them to get to Treeland. –cackles- I know where this is going…and yes, it is going to have a happy ending. Yes, it is going to get sappy. But what can I say? C'est la vie. **

Poor Leggy. He's going to be a right Ewan McGregor now. I don't think there's any more musical songs for a chapter or two though… 

HAS ANYONE ELSE SEEN TROY!? OMG! SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!! Paris is a pansy that needs to die. A hot pansy that needs to die, but a pansy nonetheless. It was a great movie. A funny movie, but that might have been because I went with a fellow fangirl (HI JAMIE!) and my other friend who was about to fall asleep. 

Is anyone willing to help me buy J.R.R. Tolkien's house? We can pool all our money together until we amount to $2,719,238.08 American Dollars (£1.5 mil.)! YAY! Can you imagine though…it'd be kind of creepy. The house all the insanity was born in. Wow. 

Disclaimer- I still don't own. –taps foot patiently- I DON'T EVEN OWN RETURN OF THE KING DVD YET! ARGH! …I found out the Mary Sueady I got the "Treeland" from. "Ámalkaëlitueiel A MarySue Parody" by Carcilwen Greenleaf. Very funny, but definitely not for the weak-stomached. Lots of spelling errors, etc., galore, but it's ok in this one because it's a PARODY! OK. I'm done now. CREDIT FOR THE PARTY IDEA IS 100% LARNDESOLEN! Thank you. Have a wonderful day.

----- 

_Chapter Five_

Sleep had not been my ally that night. Insomnia was though, and anytime I managed to fall asleep, nightmares of OOC Legolas and singing would haunt me. After trying to fall asleep for what felt like hours, I managed to drift off. 

-----

I awoke the next morning quite late for me (I've been known for waking up scarily early) at 9:30AM. No sooner had I swung out of bed, my door was swung upon. 

But not by Legolas or anyone I recognized at all. 

"Good morning, milady," a servant girl curtsied. She seemed to be about my age…around 15 or 16…and was an Elf (but it was Rivendell after all). Her hair wasn't as long as mine, but it was black and tied up at the top of her head. Her eyes were brown and eyeing me vigilantly. 

"Good…morning?" I said, looking at her questionably. A smile broke through her features. 

"It is you!" she laughed. 

My eyes widened. "Um…WTF?" 

"You are the beautiful princess they spoke of! And you are as beautiful as they said! I hardly believed them, so I had to come and see for myself!" she said breathlessly. 

I blinked. 

"There is a celebration today, Vanimavalië. I'm not sure if you heard, but all members of the Fellowship have reunited in Rivendell…" 

"WHY!? WASN'T FRODO SUPPOSED TO GO ACROSS THE SEA WHERE A PALE MOON RISES?! AND SAM WAS SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED AND ARAGORN BECOME KING AND LEGOLAS…well, no one really knew about Legolas, or Gimli too I guess…didn't they go over the sea? I think they did…anyway…MERRY AND PIPPIN…GET MARRIED EVENTUALLY AND BOROMIR WAS STILL DEAD AND GANDALF WENT WITH FRODO! THEY DO NOT STOP THEIR CANON LIVES AND REUNITE FOR PARTIES!" I screamed. Don't mess with the Canon. Just…don't do it. 

The servant girl looked petrified. "M-m-milady…I am s-s-sorry…I did not believe you would be so…distraught at this…" 

"DISTRAUGHT!?" I screamed. "DISTRAUGHT!?!?" I glared at her. "What's your name?" 

"E-Ernilwen, milady…" Ernilwen stuttered. I glared at her. 

"Miss Ernilwen, please complete the task you were given and leave. I need some time alone," I said dramatically. She curtsied quickly and ran over to a closet. 

"I was told to show you where your wardrobe was," she said quietly, as if I were a bomb prepared to go off at any second. Ernilwen opened the closet quickly and I gasped. 

I couldn't help it…dozens of dresses, maybe a hundred dresses, all in different colors. From the brightest white to the darkest black, almost every color known to man was in there. Well, maybe not every color…but a great deal of them. 

I've never been a big dress person, or even a shopping person, but I was amazed by this collection. I suppose Ernilwen noticed this, because when I looked at her again, she was smiling. 

"Your dresses are in here, and your hair will be done by someone in the morning. That dresser over there contains anything else you might need…extra corsets and such. If you need anything else, just send for me, Princess," she said swiftly. "Someone will return in one hour to prepare you for the party." Ernilwen exited the room hurriedly. 

"Fellowships do not reunite for parties…" I muttered under my breath. I had no idea what to do…so I did the only rational thing I could think of… 

"AUTHORETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" 

**_POOF!_**

"You rang?" she said, bored. 

This tone of voice made me livid. Being bored after you've completely twisted around a work of fiction? The thought of it makes my stomach churn. 

"You…you…you completely obliterated…" 

She cackled. "I was rather curious to see how you would react. OOCness and messing with plots has always intrigued me. Am I going too overboard?" she said in concern suddenly. 

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes. Yes. Yes you are." 

"Ah. I knew it. He needs to be worse…or maybe he'll be possessed by OOCness like you and your Mary Sue…" she smirked. "Actually, I quite like that. Make him slightly OOC most of the time, then a few times a week or so…BANG! Major OOCness! Weeeeeheeeheee!" she said, zooming around the room, manic. "And there will be singing and dancing and Toulouse might pop in…AND CHRISTIAN! OH MY GOD, WEEEE!" 

I stood, terrified. Suddenly, she stopped zooming around, and took a deep breath, sitting down in midair. 

"I'm ok now. Sorry about that. I had to drink 3 cans of Diet Mountain Dew to stay awake today. And I guess it's kicking in now," she sighed. 

"Why do you have to stay awake?" I asked in interest. 

"Well, making persons out of character takes a lot of work you know. Plus, I still have to create Treeland's environment and such. Being an Authorette isn't all fun and games.... Ew, a cliché. Anyway…it's been hectic lately," she yawned. 

"Treeland's environment?" I said blankly. 

"Bwaha! Yes! I'm kind of modeling it after Far Far Away in Shrek Two…BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW NOW, WOULD YOU!? BWAHAHAHAHAHAA…I mean, not funny," she cackled. 

"Look…maybe you should just come back later. You seem extraordinarily…tired…and…well, crazy. I feel much better now," I lied. 

"Yeah…point taken. I'll still be watching you and Legolas though. Well, have fun at the party tonight! BWAHAHAHA!" 

And with that, she was gone. 

I walked over to the closet. "Wow…dresses." 

Being one of little mind and much boredom, I decided to leaf through all of them to make my choice. There were 57 dresses crammed into that closet. The hard part would be choosing one… 

About fifteen minutes later, I had narrowed it down to a light blue corseted one, and a black and red one that resembled something a Spanish dancer would wear. I consulted several servant girls who came in random times to see if I needed anything, and even a butler or two. All declined to give their opinion, inclining their heads and whispering: "I cannot help you, Princess." 

God, being royal sucks. 

Finally, deciding I wanted to try to tarnish my perfect, beautiful, innocent, Mary Sue princess personality, I went with the Spanish dancer one. The skirts were black and red, and there was a slit that went up to the mid-thigh. The top, of course, was a corset type. I'm sure in a month or two, I would tire of the corset look, but for now, I couldn't get enough of it. Shoes weren't too extraordinary…just black and lace up…kind of. Ernilwen reentered and showed me where the jewelry was, and I paired the outfit with black dangle earrings. I had no idea what was being done with my hair, as Ernilwen assured me she knew what she was doing. All I knew is that in involved lots of yanking and pulling. 

"You are now ready, Princess," she smiled. "And a half hour early too!" 

I glanced into the mirror once before I left. I definitely did not look like a typical Mary Sue Princess anymore. 

There was a knock at the door. I strode over and opened it. 

"Ah, Vanimavalië. You are already prepared?" Legolas said in surprise. I gave him a withering look. 

"Yes, Sir Legs-A-Lot, I am already ready. Why are you here anyway?" 

"I thought…well, could I escort you to the ball?" 

Oh God. Again with the OOC. 

"Not until you shape up and act more In Character, buster. And by that, I mean you aren't all sappy. If there is the slightest sap tonight, I will kill you with a spork, burn your body, and spit on the ashes. Do I make myself clear?" I snapped. 

His eyes widened: "O.O…" 

"I SAID, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!" 

"Er…yes. Of course." 

"Good. Now…GET OUT!" 

I slammed the door in his face. Part of me felt bad for treating him this way, but the other part reminded me that he was, of course, Out of Character, therefore did not feel the way he should. This slightly recompensed my guilt. 

When I heard the Elf walk away, irritated, I left the room and followed the noise of a party down the hall. Elves were walking, arm in arm, into the Hall. I suddenly regretted being so evil to Legolas. I felt like an idiot, entering the par-tay with no one there… 

I reached the door, and the doorman looked at me, his eyes wide. "You are late," the other doorman mused. 

"I know I'm late, and please excuse me. May I still enter the celebration?" I said, trying to impersonate a Mary Sue. Where the heck was she when I needed her?! 

Doorman #1 spoke: "Of course not, princess. In fact…we were waiting for you." 

The music cued up, and Doorman #2 climbed up onto a high ledge. "EVERYONE, I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THE ARRIVAL OF A VERY IMPORTANT GUEST!" he bellowed. 

Every eye turned to the door. Thank God for darkness…that's all I have to say. 

"Please welcome…the beautiful escapee, the Princess of Treeland herself… Princess Vanimavalië Lúinwë!" 

Doorman #1 pushed me out into the light. I glared at him, but astoundingly did not fall. Every eye was on me once again. So I did the only rational thing I could think of… 

I smiled, and curtseyed. Applause thundered throughout the hall, and I descended down the stairs. 

"May the celebrations begin!" 

I found a table in the corner, and sat, hoping my presence would go unnoticed. But you see, the thing about Mary Sues is that they don't go overlooked…they have to always be the center of attention. But for then, I was safe. 

-----

**A/N- Ick, I don't like this chapter much. The only thing I can say to you is that it is going to get better. I promise. Longer chapters will follow also. **

I have one thing to say: 

"Shrek and I drank this potion stuff, and now…we're sexy!" 

God, I am amused too easily. But that was a good movie too. Go see it! 

Iorhael-nin- Bwaha! It probably will end up not prevailing though. I don't know…it'll probably depend on how you look at it. So many stories…I know what you mean. I have two up here (well…I guess you could say three), but then I've got another dozen I'm writing and not posting. Yeah…updating will be postponed for a while, I suppose. Sad, but there's two months ahead where some writing time can be used! Huzzah! Go update! Now! Lol…seriously, take your time. SIRIUS! AHAHAHA! (Recently Won Over Oldman fans UNITE) 

karmabelle- I LOVE SHOW TUNES! Is it that obvious? I am a musical freak…yup, that's me. I listened to Legolas's show tune some today and started cracking up. I must agree, the RotK soundtrack does r0x0r. I'm listening to it right now! Wootness! I love Pippin. Still. 

LegolasLover/LOTRchick- BWAHA! NO, Legolas, you may not kill your Mary Sue. You dedicated Moulin Rouge songs to her, after all, didn't you? Musical outbursts ROCK! I love scaring people, or just confusing them. Poor Legolas. He's so misunderstood. =P 

Cosmos Senshi- Commencing. Lol, thanks for your review! No internet…god, that sucks. But I'm going to try to become less dependent on it this summer. I'm becoming borderline crazy. NEXT CHAPTER UP! 

LarndeSolen- Yay! Thank you! Bwaha! I have too much fun torturing my characters. And I really want Gandalf to do a Theoden-sort of exorcism. Ooh! Idea! I love the Legolas Puppet …it would annoy Non Mary Sues, delight fangirls, and amuse the easily amused! What's not to love?! 

Aisling Niamh- Oh…you never know. Legolas might be one of those secret singers…and he might just come out of the closet sometime. Like in this parody. Anyhow, thanks for the review! SLAINTE! ISN'T THAT IRISH!? 

THE GREAT AND ALMIGHTY STEFOLA!!!!- BWAHA! Aww…I still like Tahlia though. Her raw sarcasm and love for other's pain amuses me to no end. Kaya's cool too though…OMG HARRY POTTER PARODY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO START! XD 

Harry Potter's Crazed Stalker- No problem! Finals need to DIE! MOULIN ROUGE IS THE BEST MUSICAL (maybe even movie) OF ALL TIME! Just think about it…wouldn't all movies be better if they had musical songs? No. But to me they would. But I'm the musical fanatic. I LOVE HOBBITS! And so do all the other fangirls. So you don't have anything to worry about. I still have no RotK. That sucks. But I shall survive. And write Mary Sueadies. 

Will'sLittlePirate/POTCchick- Sure for the parody! Just email me …or IM me (both are in my bio)…but it still might be just a little delayed. But maybe not, I dunno, you never really know. It doesn't even have to be under my name, I'm not really partial. OB Files is freaking funny! Thank you so much for that site! Legolas…you are going to die or suffer the combined wrath of the Authorette AND Mary Sues AND Danny! Feminism is just one line you do not cross. AND YOU CROSSED IT! –glare- Bwaha, anyway, email/IM me about the parody! 

Divinething- MR fans UNITE! GOD I LOVE THAT MOVIE! AND CHRISTIAN! –lovelovelove- Yeah…I really like that movie. There's going to be many songs and imbedded subliminals in this parody from MR. Bwaha. School ended for us almost a week ago (May 25th…the same day as Ian McKellen's birthday! The uncanniness!). Good luck with your move! I've moved…twice in my life. Yup. I am so glad. RIP Asterisks…I had to resort to "-"s and that depresses me. Thanks for the luck! Still awaiting results…eep! 

BTW, any love songs you'd like to see featured in this fic, send them in! I need suggestions for a…medley of sorts approaching in about 5 chapters…BWAHA! Moulin Rouge seers will understand that. No one else will, sadly enough. Send your requests/suggestions in. 

Have a great Memorial Day! 


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